… as the great Elvis Costello once sang, or if you prefer Britney “Oops, I did it again”!
That’s right I fell over again, not once, but twice, on the same night, within the same hour! For those that don’t know, I am considered an expert in falling over, if it was an Olympic event I would win gold every time. I’ve been doing it ever since I could stand up, so just over 50 years. My knees are covered in scars and are a bit tender when I kneel.
Anyone who has known me for any length of time will be able to regale you with at least one tale of “when Hannah fell over”. It could be a night out, walking along the road at lunchtime, forgetting to step up the curb, falling down stairs at a work event, or literally tripping over a pattern in a carpet! So instead of you having to hunt out one of my family or friends, I thought I’d tell you about my top 5 most memorable trips…
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5. Cold Sore
I’d just come back from a holiday to Greece with my then boyfriend, and I had a lovely great big crusty cold sore on my bottom lip. Attractive. Anyway, styling it out by pretending it wasn’t there, I met some friends for a drink, and before we’d even gone anywhere, my sandals somehow managed to twist themselves off my feet leading me to fall forward and smash my head on the pavement, causing my top lip to swell and split, exactly above my cold sore. It looked like I’d been punched in the face and I was constantly having to defend my boyfriend from something he hadn’t done!
4. Castle Ruin
When we were kids, my friend’s mum used to pile hundreds of us into her Mini Clubman and take off for a day trip to somewhere more interesting than 1970’s Croydon. On this particular occasion there were four in the back and two on the front passenger seat, as I said, it was the Seventies, and off we set to somewhere or other to investigate a ruined castle. There were signs everywhere demanding that you DO NOT CLIMB ON THE RUINS, so we did and unsurprisingly I fell from top to bottom, banging my elbow along the way. The reason this event is in at number 4 on my list is because my injured elbow meant I got to travel home with the front passenger seat to myself, and everyone else squashed in the back.
3. Chips in Pitta
Picture it; New Year’s Eve 2006, and after an extremely sociable night of eating, drinking and games, in the early hours of 2007, I stumbled into the drizzle smeared world in search of a taxi to Clapham Junction. By some kind of miracle, I found one and was duly deposited outside the station, where I checked that there was 45 minutes until the next train, and went to the kebab shop opposite to buy myself chips in pitta to fill the time. Now, did I mention the drizzle, the fact that I was wearing heals and that I was drunk? Well, two steps out of the shop, a combination of wet pavement and silly shoes saw my right leg swivel in all sorts of unnatural directions causing me to fly through the air before landing with a bump. All this achieved without spilling a chip. Skills!
2. Netball
Now, I suppose you could say that this technically wasn’t a fall, more of a collision followed by a skid, but everyone who saw it described it as me falling over. I’ve never been particularly sporty, so school P.E. lessons were not my favourite, and I really couldn’t be bothered with netball, but for some reason on this day I thought I’d put in a bit of effort and actually attempt to get the ball. The problem was that someone else, who was bigger than me, decided to go for the same ball, we collided, I fell to the ground and skidded about six feet across the gritty tarmac. With blood pouring from the palms of both hands, knees and nose, I was allowed to sit out the rest of the game, before going inside to clean up and pick small stones out of my wounds. The resulting scabs lasted a good week or so, which coincided with portrait painting in art. The girl that was painting my portrait was really good at swimming, but really, really bad at painting, and the only way that anyone could recognise her picture was because of the red splodge on the nose!
1. All-Time Classic!
Straight in at number 1, no questions asked, and once you hear what happened you’ll definitely agree. It was a Wednesday morning, late 1980’s, pension day and me and my brother, who were both still living at home, both worked at the same company. On this particular day we were cutting it fine to be at work for 9:30am, and were rushing up Crown Hill, when I fell over. My brother who stood with a resigned ‘not again’ look on his face, had absolutely no intention of helping me up as I floundered about. Luckily a group of three elderly gentlemen were making their way down the hill from the Post Office to the bookies, having just collected their pensions, and gallantly stopped to offer assistance. I gratefully accepted the outstretched hand and started to right myself, when the old man’s grip loosened, I fell back down to the ground, and he pointed and said to his friends, whilst laughing, “look, it’s a banana skin, she’s slipped on a banana skin’. To which his friends, so convulsed with laughter, almost fell over themselves, and my brother, well he smirked and ran off to work, leaving me to sort myself out. By the time I got to the office, not only did the guy on reception know, but, somehow the entire building knew that I had slipped on a banana skin on my way to work!
Consulting Hannah 