A letter to my mother

Dear Mum,

It’s four and a half years since you died, since you deserted me, since you left me to face the world alone and it still hurts.

That last afternoon with you was the most precious in my life. I’m so glad I took the day off work and made my way down to Dorset to be with you. I will never forget holding your hand as you struggled to breathe even though you were on oxygen. I think it was one of the few times you were silent, although it didn’t last long and I had to tell you to stop talking and breathe. What I would give now to hear you talk, to raise my eyes to the sky wondering when I would get a chance to say something.

I miss you so much. I miss your terrible cooking and the fact that you couldn’t even cook a ready meal. I miss getting upset that you always seemed to put the cats ahead of everything. I miss your enthusiasm for the underdog, your love of soaps and your insistence on wearing that awful coat and daft hat. But most of all I miss your hugs. You gave such great hugs that made everything seem ok, made me feel safe. I’ve never met anyone who can give hugs as good as yours.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there at the end. I know you were scared and I know that me being there made you feel less so. I did everything I could to get there as quickly as possible, but I was too late. You died on your own and the thought that you died scared haunts me and I feel so guilty.

I’m sorry Mum.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I’m sorry I failed you, I tried not to, I did my best to get there, I really did.

I love you so much and always will. You broke my heart and I miss you more than anything. x